Wednesday, September 12, 2012
My weight has been an issue for me basically my whole life. I was never actually overweight per say as a child or teenager, I just thought I was. I had been raised with such a bad image of myself that I thought nothing but the worst. Up until a few years ago, my weight was something that I had been basically trained to worry about. Let me back up to my early childhood and explain what I think is the reason behind my weight insecurities. I grew up with parents who fought all the time. My father was so mean to us and my mother would never stand up for herself. I am an only child so I didn't have anyone to share this experience with. My mother's weight would fluctuate as she would go in and out of bouts of depression, mixed with a interesting array of new diet fads. My father would consistently pick on her weight, she was either too fat or too skinny in his eyes. Of course I heard all of this, children always hear everything. The last thing I remember my father talking to me about before he left us for good was about how I should stop talking about wanting to be a model; because I would never be one. I will never forget that. I will also never ever tell any of my children that they will never become something that they want to become. Even though I was a nice healthy weight in my adolescent years, I did put on about 40 lbs during the pregnancy with my first child. I was adamant about losing that weight because I was fearful of what it would do to my self esteem if I didn't. When I became pregnant with my second child about 2 1/2 years later I was actually 15 lbs lighter than before my first pregnancy. Once again I gained about 40 lbs and wasn't worried about my ability to lose it. I didn't plan on needing a c-section. This is the beginning of my real weight loss struggle. I have had a total of two c-sections and I truly believe that having the surgeries and those abdominal wall muscles being cut made it as hard as it has been. From 2008, the year that my last child was born until this day I have been trying to lose the extra weight from those last two pregnancies.